I listened to Antonio Brown’s new album so you don’t have to.
Like many sports fans, I have a fetish for torturing myself. That comes in many forms, from saying goodbye to players leaving via retirement or free agency, to rewatching old highlights of my teams losing in the playoffs, desperately trying to figure out what went wrong. This past week, I discovered a new way to torture myself: Listening to Antonio Brown’s new album, Paradigm.
As a Tampa Bay Buccaneers fan, my feelings have been mixed about our former receiver. On the one hand, he was an integral part of our last Super Bowl run, providing a great sure-handed target for the aging Tom Brady. On the other hand, Brown was a major distraction, more focused on improving his personal brand than contributing to the team. When he ran off the field in the middle of our crucial late-season match with the Jets last year, I gave a sigh of both relief and frustration.
We’ve finally discovered what AB has been up to since that fateful day nearly a year later. Like his former on-field sidekick, LeVeon Bell, AB has taken up rapping as his new career. His debut album, Paradigm, dropped three weeks ago to scathing reviews. As a self-hating sports fan, I consider it my duty to listen to and review this album so others don’t make the same mistake.
So here it is; a track-by-track recap of Paradigm. May God have mercy on my soul.
Champions (feat. Fivio Foreign)
If there is one good thing to say about this record, it’s that the production is actually pretty good. The lead track has a nice drill beat that, while not my cup of tea, doesn’t make me want to turn it off immediately. Fivio Foreign gets two verses on this track and does a solid job, reminding me to listen to his own debut album. Then AB jumps on the beat and I throw my headphones across the room.
Business Boomin (feat. Da Baby)
The biggest issue with this album is that AB, while a truly talented receiver, cannot rap to save his life. His verses have as much substance as a Lil Xan song, and he just repeats the title of the song for the chorus. This pattern continues throughout the album, resulting in an agonizing experience. This song in particular ticks me off, as AB apologizes for running off the field in one bar, then turns around and brags about being a great influence for kids in the next. Thank god Da Baby jumps on the track to save our ears.
Get In My Bag (feat. Young Thug)
This is the only song on the album that I can tolerate listening to. That’s due to it being a Young Thug song with a bad feature by AB. Most of these tracks follow that pattern: AB is only a feature on his own songs, overshadowed (rightfully so) by his guests.
Put That S*** On
The first song without a feature and it’s just as terrible as you would imagine. Again, the production is fine (it’s obvious all the budget went into that facet of the album). AB struggles to stay on the beat and repeats the title over and over again while covering his lack of singing abilities with poor autotune.
Pit Not The Palace (Remix) (feat. 42 Dugg & French Montana)
It just keeps getting worse and worse. AB sounds drunk here as he slurs his lines and snaps his head on every bar. The features can’t save this one from being awful.
Half a Moon (feat. Fivio Foreign)
This is the worst one yet, as AB grunts on an average beat while Fivio comes in at the last second to save the day. It’s hard to put into words how much I hate this, and I hope AB regrets walking out of MetLife Stadium for the rest of his life.
Ptsd (feat. Jacquees)
This random slow jam that shows up halfway through the album is honestly the most infuriating song yet. If you listen closely to the lyrics, and I would recommend this only with a note from your doctor, you can hear AB trying to wax a metaphor about leaving the Steelers. I don’t think this man has earned the right to complain about his time in Pittsburgh.
Chilly Waters
Oh boy, another song that’s a metaphor for his lost NFL career. The beat is nice but AB once again just repeats the chorus over and over again. The worst part comes in the first verse where AB says “Call God if you think I’m missing blessings”. Yes AB, I will do that.
Pit Not The Palace
You can tell AB really wanted this song to do well. After all, why would he have it twice on the same record? I can see why the remix came first though, as AB rapping alone makes me pine for the days when the only celebrities we allowed to make bad music were Paris Hilton and former Disney stars.
Shuki Diamonds
Oh thank God, we’re free! This final song is short and terrible like all the others. All I can say is wow. He really threw away his career for this.
Final verdict: one out of five stars. The production was honestly pretty good, and the guest appearances didn’t suck. However, AB is so horrifically bad at rapping that it brings the whole record down.
If you need me, I’ll be flushing my ears out with hydrofluoric acid the rest of the day. Can scientists hurry up and invent brainwashing so I can forget that I ever listened to this?
Isaac Donsky - Sportsgasm Pod - Olde City Sports Network
Photo cred-USA Today
Andy Smith/Getty Images
